Just a day like many others. It’s the day the U.S. of America declared their independence from the United Kingdom. John Adams and Thomas Jefferson Died on the Fourth of July. Philippines got independent on july 4. And many other little things.. like for example, the discovery of a elementary particle that noone ever cared about. We are such an intelligent life form..
It’s been a while since I just sat and therapeutically blurted out my thoughts so I guess I should just do it now. I find myself spending more and more time alone here. I never get responses from people and even then I hear the things that leave my mouth and wonder why they even decided to finally return my calls. What do you do when you feel as though you’ve mucked up your present life so much that you can’t even connect to it on a daily basis any longer?
It seems as though leaving is the only answer. And fortunately for me, that is going to happen eventually. However I really need to reassure myself that I know who I am, or rather who I am becoming, and that I can create something much more beautiful than I have thus far. Quite frankly I’m disappointed in my life’s present illustrations. It’s ironic that I know I can be more yet I somehow find myself perpetuating the same old story. That’s not what I want for myself when I get to where I’m going and it’s time to start acting like it.
Also, I can not even begin to describe the strength of the feelings I have for the man that has rescued me from this place. I’ve truly never felt this way before. I never thought I would actually find someone to spend my life with- I’d always pictured I’d be the accepting divorcee who empowers herself to live without a partner for the last 20 years of her life. But not with him. He is proof that love can exist, not only on an emotional plane, but also one that is devoid of definition or justification. Avoiding the proper cliches, it’s fair to say everything about him, about us, just works. It fits. I don’t chalk it up to science (as I usually do with everything) and I certainly won’t to fate, destiny, or luck. It’s evidence that though there may not be some omnipotent meaning to this life, what’s coming next, or even the presence of a soul (coining the term “soulmates”) things can happen that create a lifetime of happiness. I intend to follow through on every account. I want to grow with him, I want him to challenge me (as I do to him every day), and I love the fact that I don’t have to worry about why- or for how long. These answers are obvious: there doesn’t have to be a profound reason for admiration, passion, and love to flourish, and it’s not going to end.
It may not make sense to the average outsider, but to comprehend the babbling you must know one all to important fact about myself. I’ve recently taken on a brave stance about my place on this earth. I’m not religious, and I feel the point of existence is merely as devastating and frightening or blissful and adventurous as you make it. There is no need to believe in a God when you have enough faith in yourself. It is because of this that I no longer fear the larger brooding questions of why, how, or when. I don’t care. I am the one who is going to fill the pages of books with words of wisdom some day. Now, the moment you’ve been waiting for, this is where I get back to the point. Well it’s recently hit me (Aha!) that this is the profound thing about the love in my life. I have faith in it, I do not have to fear the large questions, origins, or future of this love. It exists, within me, simply. It’s so clear I don’t know how I didn’t see it sooner. When you have the confidence in yourself and your significant other that your love will last forever please, tell me- what else is there to search for?
Going back and reading this makes me sound even more insane than I had anticipated revealing. But I don’t really care. I’ll head up to bed now furiously reminding myself that the future awaiting me is mine to create, hand in hand with the man of my wildest dreams.